I love computers. I hate laptops. Which confirms what I've always believed: Laptops are not computers at all. Instead, they are clever gadgets designed to break your heart and spirit.

This comes after years of sagging shoulders from toting them around on reporting assignments. At home, I've replaced outdated or defective laptops so often I've concluded they should come in six-packs.

But battery-powered portable computers are a necessary evil. And since this is the time of the year when many parents and college students are shopping for a laptop for school, we'll spend time today considering some of the things you should know when shopping for a portable computer.

> Battery life: Make sure the ability to operate on batteries for an extended period is important to you. Most people tend to use a laptop as a portable desktop computer, plugging it in at home, in offices, hotel rooms and dorms. If battery life is crucial to you, get lithium-ion batteries for the most run time.

> Processor chip: Make sure your new laptop uses a chip made especially for a battery-powered computer. These chips tend to run cooler and drain the battery more slowly. Among the chips that fill this bill are the Intel Pentium M, Mobile Intel Celeron, Mobile AMD Athlon or the Mobile AMD Duron.

> Screen: Nowadays almost every laptop computer uses a liquid crystal display (that's LCD in retailing lingo). A few years ago it was important to look for active matrix screens, but now that is a feature common to most laptops you'll see advertised. If the laptop will often be used at home or in a dorm room, consider buying a regular monitor, too, for a larger or sharper image. You can simply plug the monitor into your laptop at home and unplug it and use the LCD screen when on the move.

> Memory: Laptops tend to come with less memory than desktops. While it's easy for home users to add memory chips in a desktop, it's more complicated when working on a laptop. That's why I recommend at least 512 megabytes of memory in your laptop. That'll delay --- or maybe even eliminate --- the need to add memory over the lifetime of the laptop.

> Hard disk: Get the largest hard disk you can reasonably afford. For the reasons stated above, it's best to avoid the need to upgrade later.

> Networking: The givens are that the machine should have a built-in dial-up modem as well as an ethernet connection for times when it's used with DSL or cable modems. You won't have any trouble finding those features.

I suggest you also equip the machine so it comes out of the box with wireless connectivity. Surprisingly, this won't add much to the cost. Remember that laptop computers are made to be used on the go. For college students, wireless connections as well as high-speed wired connections are common.

> Shopping for students: If the machine is being purchased by or for a college student, check with the school first. Many schools have specific laptop specifications. You are also likely to find a discount purchasing plan at the college. If the school does offer a discount purchase plan, double-check that price --- for an identical machine --- from retail outlets. There are times when you can beat the price offered by the school.

> Shopping for everyone: First, settle on the specifications of the machine you want. Then use that to comparison-shop, just as you would when buying a car. Stick with brand-name laptops. If you recognize the brand, it's going to work out fine. If you find three identically equipped laptops, all brand-name machines, select the one with the best price.

Don't be ashamed of bargaining, especially if you're shopping at a retail store. If you shop online, check the price for several weeks running before making your purchase. Discount offers and specials seem to change almost weekly at Dell (www.dell.com) and Gateway (www.gateway.com).

> Warranty: Make sure your machine comes with a one-year factory warranty. While I am generally opposed to extra-cost extended warranties, many readers have made a good case for affordable extended warranties when it comes to laptops. They're expensive to work on and replace. If you do decide on an extended warranty, don't pay more than a quarter of the machine's price for a three-year warranty.

> Intangibles: I mentioned earlier that --- for laptops regularly used in the home or dorm room --- an add-on monitor can make sense. The same goes for adding a mouse and an external keyboard. Both will plug right into the laptop, and I promise, it will be easier to use with them. Laptop keyboards especially, even the full-sized ones, aren't as easy to use as a $15 desktop keyboard.

Remember, I admitted I'm biased against laptops. Following my tips may not turn you into a lover of laptops, but it'll sure ease the pain.

tecbud@ajc.com